Haha that would be a bit unnerving!
Ok guys I think I may be on to something with the digital control module. Out of curiosity I had my girlfriend pull the module and send me a photo of the back. Sure enough as I suspected it's a Dorman product #599-211, not OEM so at some point in this vehicles life that was replaced. After learning this I'm 99% confident that module is faulty, especially since it's not OEM. The local junkyard has a ton of these for $75 so I'll probably pick one up so long as it's the original and not another knockoff like this one.
I'll report back once I get one.