Wow... uh...
Since I just recently changed my oil and there were no oil spots in my parking lot or driveway, I wasn't in a rush to check the dipstick. I "knew" the engine was full of nice healthy oil. When I did pull the dipstick out, I was more so checking for metal debris, etc.
IT WAS BONE DRY!!!
I put around 4 quarts in, and still can't get a reading on the dipstick. Are you kidding me? Where did it go? I know these engines can consume some oil, but not to this extent. There hasn't been any smoke coming from the exhaust or anywhere else.
I get down under the truck and notice that the oil filter is soaked. WTF?
Then I see it, and I'm suddenly stunned: There are fresh wrench marks on the filter. I always screw my filters on by hand. I never use a wrench.
If I'm doing my math correctly here, somebody literally stole my oil as an act of vandalism. It's the only explanation I can come up with for there being wrench marks on the filter and no oil on the ground.
There are definitely a handful of people who really don't like me at the moment, and I've had some issues with burglaries and attempted burglaries. The police have been useless, and at this point they don't like me, either.
I have more cameras than anybody should ever have, but in this case I don't know when it happened or even what address it occurred at. I'd have to watch hours of video.
The good news here is that after topping off the oil, everything seems fine. Oil pressure is back to normal and the engine sounds nice and smooth. Looks like I got super lucky.
Now it's time to get back to business!!! Let's lower a police truck and try to make it handle like a UFO.
